One good week ..

Yes I had an eventful week and I had to write about it.
I finally got this carpenter to finish some work at home and took leave of office for a few days against some opposition from dad of course. The previous evening I went shopping for some books. And this guy at the store, God bless his soul, handed me this book called 'a million little pieces..' by James Frey. Its the 23 year old author's memoirs of being an addict for 10 years and his struggle through rehab. I loved the story because it describes a guy who has hit rock bottom on life, whose body and mind has been destroyed beyond repair, how he looks at life that has no hope hour by hour. And he overcomes the ordeal by enduring. I think its a good lesson in life. There can be some testing times in life and we just have to hold on and let it pass for it will..'this too will pass'.
But before the book could depress me any more, my friend walked in with some lovely stew for me. And the minute she mentioned shopping, I not only hopped into her car but also offered to drive it! And so we had a lovely day just girls shopping. Not that we ever buy much.
But I did buy some stuff when I forced Sunil to discard his sleep on a saturday afternoon to go shopping with me. And while he spent the afternoon grumping thinking it to be a futile excercise and that I am not going to buy anything I surprised him by making some choices!!
And then there was this plan of a dinner get together with friends which materialised at this friends place who had joined us for the first time. Good good fun!
But the best part of all week was some hours I spent in dads office and the smile on his face on seeing me there. Well.. the smile lasted the day coz we were able to accomplish quite a lot of work that day!!
So like they say alls well that ends well...

Looking inwards!

Hmmm..back after a lovely break in Sri lanka. Some introspection was on the itinerary but then too busy a schedule. Can't seem to get even the ocean to myself with kids around. Dreams of a long walk on the beach alone, thinking and making plans for life went kaput. But then hitting the hard reality of life on coming back to it has forced me to some dwellings on what to make of my life from here. And while I am at it, Sri Lanka has somehow opened an eye to the wide possibilities that can be. Life in different parts of the world are so diverse that my husband and I have vowed to learn it all by being a tourist more often. So much to do and so much to see. In the meantime I am going to make money to do all that. So the words of my chorus of my life song is work work work la la.
Then of course there's the stanza of my wonderful lovely off springs. Determined to give the little saplings lots of sunshine and water for them to grow up to be successful and wonderful individuals.
Also my pursuing the mirage of an ideal world with perfect human relations also faced a cut back. Naa that doesn't exist. I can only see reflections of my own failures when I look at my relationships with people around me. Hell...need to try and salvage as many as I can. But then the truth is only those relationships will last that you think are important and worthy of! So am letting go but am curious to know which of the birds will come back to me as my own! So there giving up on people and relationships. Phew! Am I relieved!
Oh and I am a happy depressive if there can be one! Happy to fight my battles in my own void.

Then my thought moves to weighty issues. I mean mine. I am growing it appears and not to any higher plane but from east to west. So next resolution to move my ass more or maybe just chop it from both sides.

We were sitting on the beach one night me and Sunil talking about our future. Looking out at the sea we realised that this is what we wanted. So we decided to buy out a place near one and spend the rest of our lives in this beautiful house with a room full of books. That would be a dreamy life watching the endless waves and the sunsets! Hopefully that will be a reality someday.
Touch wood!

A glass half full or half empty

Today my mom said something that got me thinking. Mums been very depressed lately as there have been some problems on the family side. Mums reminiscences were mostly about how hard life was and how she and dad had to struggle to reach where they are now. There is never an end to life's trouble it seems. And then she said" death is actually a blessing".

And I agree. Death is an end to life's suffering. People who die earlier are the ones dearest to God as I suppose He wouldn't let them go through life too much. And those who die later are the ones destined to go through all that life has to offer.

From an optimists point of view, maybe death is an end to all the good times . They wouldn't want to die when the time came. They'd think about all the things still not done, the loved one they'd leave behind, the responsibilities, accomplishments....the spirit will fight death for maybe one more day or a month or a year or another life time.

And the pessimist? well, they are the ones who will succumb to death, embrace the end with open arms. For it means the end of all the suffering, the pains, the failures. To them it means never again to have to face life and all the challenges. A smile is not a bargain for all the trouble of having to live.

So who is wiser? the optimist or the pessimist? I have absolutely no idea but I maybe tilting to the latter the compulsive pessimist that I am. I remember this sing that we used to sing at school that goes thus-

"Lifes evening sun is sinking low

a few more days that I must go

to reap the deeds that I have done

where there will be no setting sun"

So I suppose the inevitable has to happen and until then we have tackle life and all thats thrown at us in the process of living. I always notice that life for some people is happiness and joy and gay. And for some people its misery and sorrow. But through out my upbringing I have been told time and again that joy and sorrow are the two sides of the same coin. So it must the attitude then with which we see life or death for that matter I suppose.

As for me I have to admit I have a sinking feeling all the time. That its easier to just end it all than go though this. But then I see my kids faces. I struggled to have them too. Maybe I shouldn't have made it happen. It would have been easier for me to leave this place now or later.

Well I am alive and am extremely being made conscious of the heart beating and the lungs breathing. As though I longed for the opposite of that.

But I tolerate life. For my kids and my parents. Only ones worth doing it for.

Well enough of my renditions! Maybe I should stop my brain thinking than my heart ticking.

Playact life?

Ok So I am chewing on the idea of enrolling at a theater workshop.

I am looking for an escape from reality, to move a little away from my little sullen world for sometime. And maybe acting in a play is the only thing that comes close to living a different life for a change.

I mean look at the way we express joy or anger or sorrow. How would it be to look at it from a different persons perspective as fictitious as they maybe. And to speak the truth fiction cannot be anything but based on truth or reality. I read so much for the same reasons. For books transport me to a different world with different people in different scenarios. I can actually know and feel empathy for these characters. I have always been very curious about the kind of life people live. Whats the first thing they do on waking up, what kind of food they eat, what are they thinking when shopping for grocery, What are their relationships like. That way theater is only an extension of books.

I do wish life could be like a play where we get to chose and rehearse our destiny. Some people say that lifes challenge lies in not knowing the future. I beg to differ. I wish I had known the consequences of so many regrettable decisions that I took. Its better to have all revealed.

I'd like to make certain my kids are going to do well and my parents and husband will be alright.

Oh and to be warned. That would be nice too. Not so fond of any 'unforeseen danger'. I prefer to see danger when it is coming.

And the other reason I am risking my life on stage is I am hoping that this would be a good exposure for my kids. Perhaps if they'd be willing to try it out seeing me enact?

So anyway I have sent out a few mails in the hope that maybe this is the medium of self expression that I am looking for.

An evening out with friends?

I had only heard of 'an evening out with friends' . But I had never been there and done that atleast not after marriage. For sunil is a compulsive introvert. I think he'd wear those taboo neck pieces like a skull to ward off people!

I have been brought up in a house thats full of people come any occasion. My parents have this circle of friends that have been together for like donkeys years! So going out on picnics, dinners and outings were pretty much a regular affair for me. Sunil on the other hand is from a family who stay much to themselves. Although they talk of a lot of people in their stories of their life in Calcutta, I have hardly seen them having any social interaction in the last 9 years not even with family! So I am assuming sunil is of the same mould. I also know sunil also had been with a group of people who he'd been friends with for most of his life. But I am yet to interact or know any of them much less meet them. I am sure even sunil is not in touch with them.

So my last 9 years of marriage with sunil has been devoid of any social interaction which meant no visiting anybody or dinners or going out.

Until I met some fantastic people who I am now good friends with. Not unlike my last few years, I always hear them get together, have a drink or dinner or go out together. I was only too scared to be voicing my stand on all those weekend bahuahuas not knowing how sunil would react, whether he'd be willing to go, whether he'd like these people.

And then one day my friend Nisha invited me to her place for drinks and dinner along with this another friend couple Bindu and Neela. By then Sunil already knew all about them from me. Our kids would play together every evening in the park and got along well.

So I told sunil about the invite and much to my surprise he was willing to go! He later told me that he went only for the kids.

But that night was one memorable night for me. I was sooo happy to see Sunil actually get along well with Harish and Neela. More so because it proved to be only a beginning for we now make plans every weekend. And even sunil looks forward to them!

So now even I can brag- 'this weekend, I am having an evening out with friends'!!!

Chasing the Horizon?

For a long time now I have been pouring all my attention into making an individual of my elder son Adi and hardly ever even giving a thought to what the younger one- Arnav wants.

So this morning, out of guilt that I have neglected him for too long, called him aside and asked him what he would like to do when he grew up. His answer was a very naughty one sided smile I was only too familiar with.

I remember my chirpy little 1.5-2 yrs old Adi on his visits to the doctors telling me that he wanted be Dr Mehta with many people waiting outside to see him!

But no such luck with this one! So I prodded a bit more and asked him "Doctor, Plane driver, singer, painter ...what?" His answer simply blew me out! for he said the most unbelievable, out of the world kind of thing. He said "something else ma something else" I couldn't have had asked for anything more for my baby!

One might comment hes too young to think about what he wants!! I know my husband did. But, I have always had this suspicion about the kid. Hes has a mind of his own and a pace of his own. For a 3 year old hes quite an extraordinary guy! For one, hes a happy child with surprisingly no tantrums and demands at all. I have never seen him neither excited or sad about anything! And I am yet to meet anybody with such a pleasant plateau of temperament. He asks no questions and seems indifferent to most things that would have excited any kid his age. But he has his own interpretation and draws his own conclusions.

At a huge cost I have engaged this chess tutor to come in twice a week and train the kids in chess in hope that both of them will one day become chess masters! But within 10 minutes of the first session my younger son Arnav whispers into my ears -"Ma, chess in borriinng" and since then his only venture to the chess board has been to playfully distract Adi and his chess sir!

He keeps away from all the ball games that Adi and his father play every weekend questioning why must you throw or kick a ball. The T V and its cartoons hold his interest for not more than 10 minutes! I have never seen him demand for any toys or clothes or chocolates.

But this morning he did ask me for one thing. Hes been talking about it for some time now and I brushed it aside as a whim of a 3 yr old. But you can't do it when you are in a closed room with just the two of us and amidst some serious talk! He looks straight in my eye and says he wants a guitar!!

I found this very worrying. Why the guitar? Isn't the guitar an instrument for most recluses? It somehow reminded me of Kurt Cobain this musical rockstar who is said to have drug overdosed himself at 27 leaving behind an album that had just beat even the MJ's Dangerous and a 2 yr old kid.

I felt that he was reaffirming a suspicion that I have had about the guy. Hes not one to conform

to anything. Truth is I don't want him to either. If the guitar is what he wants. the guitar is what he will get!He will have all the freedom to make his own music! I don't care if he is an oddball!

Seema aunty his teacher in the small pleasant play school that he goes to says I am lucky to have given life to such an extraordinary kid. I am truly blessed.

I wonder what will happen when he joins school next year and has to follow his teacher and class? Will he be beaten into being one among them? or will he stand his ground?

I know its still early in the day to foretell such profound and serious characters in a 3 yr old. But as a mother I know and trust my instincts.

This one is a wonderment and "Something else".

I, have lately been feeling very restless as though somethings just not right and I simply couldn't put my finger on what was troubling me. . I am a mother, a wife and think i do a good job of it. I also work and have time and again proved my mettle there as well. But I am not happy. I want all of this and more. More that is intrinsic to me, close to me, thats my calling, my passion. It seems as though I have just been wandering in time not understanding where I want to go or what I want to. And it just struck me I am leading a very mediocre (and i hate this word) life. I am doing what everybody does..this is not me. Who am I and what is it that I want? the answer to that i am guessing lives inside me. And I simply cant see that person anymore. Where is that person. Am I so involved in rigmaroles of life that I have forgotten myself? Me? who's that? Cant recall!!

Well then, did I really know myself? If I did when was that? and if indeed I did, wouldn't I be where I wanted to be? Then when and where then did i lose myself? what provoked this?

I have ignored and overlooked myself completely for so many years! Childhood was when you knew what you wanted. When life was simple and decisions were made in a second. My sons are so clear on what they want. I see them and now understand that they simply did what made them happy! as instantaneous and temporary as it may be. Can we do that now? Pursue happiness for happiness sake? To just know what makes us happy and live in the moment?

We must learn to keep life simple enough to understand it!! but we do just the opposite of that. For instance my sons see rain and they want to play in it. And their mother stops them from doing so! Playing in the rain make you sick she says, thereby depriving them of that pleasure of feeling the rain on the face, of feeling close to nature. And this will go on until they no longer feel that impulse to dance in the rain. Till they no longer want these simple joys!

So unknowingly I am strangling all their chances of finding joy, telling them what is good and what is bad, what is right and what is wrong. When the truth is I myself only have an illusion of anything at all. I now wonder who am I to tell them what to do and what not to do? Me, who has lost all perspective in life. Me, who has still not understood what I want. And the irony is I want them to find their passion. To rise above mediocrity. To not do something simply because everybody is doing it. To look within themselves and find what makes them happy. I would rather they do what they want to do and live everyday of their life than earn all the wealth in the world. .

But lord no I find myself pushing them more into a life that i expect them to live. A life that reflects success in God knows whose terms. Go with the crowd I find myself telling them. It must be good if everybody is after it!! No! dont take that road..its so less traveled. It will be lonely!! and who know whats the end of it!. At least this way you know whats coming!

After all that is what I did!! and here I am! followed the mob and successful in their terms.

Ha.

I suppose I talk more about my next kin because I feel I have lost all hope of finding myself. Yet again I resolve to search for some answers deep within me. I resolve that next time it rains I risk standing under the rain and enjoy the water as it flow over my face. I live for the moment.

Hope doesn't die does it? It surfaces to me every time i find myself sinking. So i will move on still seeking that bliss.