I, have lately been feeling very restless as though somethings just not right and I simply couldn't put my finger on what was troubling me. . I am a mother, a wife and think i do a good job of it. I also work and have time and again proved my mettle there as well. But I am not happy. I want all of this and more. More that is intrinsic to me, close to me, thats my calling, my passion. It seems as though I have just been wandering in time not understanding where I want to go or what I want to. And it just struck me I am leading a very mediocre (and i hate this word) life. I am doing what everybody does..this is not me. Who am I and what is it that I want? the answer to that i am guessing lives inside me. And I simply cant see that person anymore. Where is that person. Am I so involved in rigmaroles of life that I have forgotten myself? Me? who's that? Cant recall!!

Well then, did I really know myself? If I did when was that? and if indeed I did, wouldn't I be where I wanted to be? Then when and where then did i lose myself? what provoked this?

I have ignored and overlooked myself completely for so many years! Childhood was when you knew what you wanted. When life was simple and decisions were made in a second. My sons are so clear on what they want. I see them and now understand that they simply did what made them happy! as instantaneous and temporary as it may be. Can we do that now? Pursue happiness for happiness sake? To just know what makes us happy and live in the moment?

We must learn to keep life simple enough to understand it!! but we do just the opposite of that. For instance my sons see rain and they want to play in it. And their mother stops them from doing so! Playing in the rain make you sick she says, thereby depriving them of that pleasure of feeling the rain on the face, of feeling close to nature. And this will go on until they no longer feel that impulse to dance in the rain. Till they no longer want these simple joys!

So unknowingly I am strangling all their chances of finding joy, telling them what is good and what is bad, what is right and what is wrong. When the truth is I myself only have an illusion of anything at all. I now wonder who am I to tell them what to do and what not to do? Me, who has lost all perspective in life. Me, who has still not understood what I want. And the irony is I want them to find their passion. To rise above mediocrity. To not do something simply because everybody is doing it. To look within themselves and find what makes them happy. I would rather they do what they want to do and live everyday of their life than earn all the wealth in the world. .

But lord no I find myself pushing them more into a life that i expect them to live. A life that reflects success in God knows whose terms. Go with the crowd I find myself telling them. It must be good if everybody is after it!! No! dont take that road..its so less traveled. It will be lonely!! and who know whats the end of it!. At least this way you know whats coming!

After all that is what I did!! and here I am! followed the mob and successful in their terms.

Ha.

I suppose I talk more about my next kin because I feel I have lost all hope of finding myself. Yet again I resolve to search for some answers deep within me. I resolve that next time it rains I risk standing under the rain and enjoy the water as it flow over my face. I live for the moment.

Hope doesn't die does it? It surfaces to me every time i find myself sinking. So i will move on still seeking that bliss.